First published in Manic magazine with The Malta Independent on Sunday – July edition.
Back when I was 12 years old, a science book and a very embarrassed teacher taught me everything I never knew about sex.
As I grew older my friends taught me everything I never knew about bizarre sexual fetishes, porn, and all the weird sexual stuff you don’t want your children to know.
And when the editor of this magazine asked me to write a story about the sexual fantasies of the Maltese people, some very open minded people got in touch and taught me everything else.
Outdoor spanking, sex on a farm, cross dressing in a public space, and chocolate covered hairy bits are some of the sexual fantasies that were generously shared with me after I quizzed friends, colleagues and, anyone else who was willing to share their most inner sexual imagination.
It was an eye-opening, mind boggling, and at times, disturbingly humorous journey, but I am now more than convinced that the mind-body connection works in mysterious ways, and that sometimes it is the most depraved thoughts that cause the most intense pleasures.
Some sexual fantasies were just too much to go to print with (without risking arrest), but rest assured that as weird as it might sound, I’m not making any of this stuff up.
According to Sex & Relationship Psychotherapist, Matthew Bartolo, sexual fantasies are a normal part of life. “Humans are sexual beings and if they are sexually healthy, they will naturally feel desire and arousal,” explains Matthew.
“All healthy people fantasize,” he adds, “but some people repress their fantasies, others acknowledge them but do nothing about them, whilst others talk about them and sometimes even try to act them out with their partners.”
Now I know that sometimes, especially when it comes to sex, men seem to be coming from Mars and women…well from good ol’ planet Earth, but contrary to popular belief the sexual fantasies of men and women do not differ much in nature. “In general both fantasize about dominating or being dominated by their partner,” explains Matthew.
Whilst sex and aggression seem to make good bed fellows, as long as people recognise that these are just a fantasies and can only be acted upon in a role play with the other person’s consent, there’s nothing to worry about.
So what are we really thinking about while getting down and dirty?
Tessa,* a young graduate with the confidence of Hercules revealed that whilst she’s still a vaginal virgin she’s experimented with anal sex and loved it.
“I fantasise about being in a luxurious hotel room of a 34 storey building in some big city in Europe. It’s super luxurious and plush. Sometimes in my fantasy I’m with a man, and sometimes I’m with a woman; other times I’m with both. I see myself being pressed against a glass wall, my face towards the open view, whilst the other person has their way with me. We then move to the Jacuzzi and do it all over again.”
I found this fantasy highly doable and not entirely off the wall like some of the others I had the pleasure of learning about, but when I asked Tessa why she’s never pursued it she said that people her age cannot afford the kind of luxurious hotel room she has in mind.
“We’re too young to even think of such luxury,” she explained, “and I won’t even consider anyone who’s too much older than me, it’s just not my thing. Though the fantasy is more about the how I’m being touched by the other person (something that I miss in real life), the luxury of the setting is also a bit of must.”
According to John*, a professional businessman in his early 50s, when it comes to sex, fantasy is the name of the game.
“Sometimes I manage to tick one off my list,” he says, “so I quickly drum up another fantasy to keep it alive.”
John’s most persistent fantasy involves a kitchen, food, and a naked woman, but it’s not your usual run of the mill sex on the table scenario.
“I fantasize about my partner standing at the stove cooking a scrumptious meal,” explains John.
“She’s completely naked except for an apron that just about covers her front bits. The strings are tied at the back, and the loose ends hang gently on her backside. I sit there for a while and watch from a short distance; she doesn’t know I’m there and this is a turn on in itself. I watch some more, my eyes following her every move, then, just when I’m about to explode, I sneak in and grab her from the back. Things progress quickly and before she can utter my name we’re both reaching for the heavens. The food is sizzling, and so are we, so we chuck everything off the table and make sweet love again, and again, over and over.”
Once again this fantasy also sounded very doable to me, but on second thoughts it hit me straight in the face – for most men, making love over and over is not possible, and most women wouldn’t want to be butt naked anywhere close to an open flame – but that’s what fantasy is for after all.
John* has another fantasy that he can’t wait to reveal. This time he’s out on a first date with a classy, almost snobbish woman. They take a stroll in a park, and after sharing some tea and scones (on a rustic wooden table), they get up again, take each other by the hand, and walk away from the crowd.
Quickly but surely, things start to heat up, so with their hands all over each other they move away from the established trail and wonder amongst the trees.
“We then remove our shoes and the feeling of the grass between my bare toes is almost enough to take me to the moon,” he explains. “But we back off; we restrain ourselves some more; we sit down and start talking again, all the while my arousal taking the better of me. After more sexual banter we progress into a very slow and gentle love-making session out in the open air. All my senses are alive. The fresh air, the open space, and the stranger in my arms are all sexy elements that make this fantasy a deal clincher.”
Joanne* is in her late thirties, she’s married with a child and quite understandably has a hard time dealing with her number one sexual fantasy.
“Whenever I want to feel aroused I know exactly where I need to go,” she says, “but I try to avoid it because I feel guilty right after. My husband would kill me if he ever found out that I’ve kept this a secret from him, but I don’t feel that I have much of a choice without risking my marriage.”
Joanne’s fantasy is the very common girl on girl scenario, and like most men, her husband would probably be intrigued by it, except that the other woman in Joanne’s fantasy is not just any other woman – it’s her husband’s sister.
“I fantasize that I’m at the spa with my husband, and after a long relaxing day lounging about and getting massages together, we go our separate ways to the showers. As soon as I walk into the ladies’ shower room I see an androgynous woman undressing by the lockers. I see her muscular back with her long hair caressing it, and I can’t for the life of me get my eyes off her.
When she turns to face me, I’m shocked but immediately aroused. It’s her, it’s my sister in-law – a woman I don’t really get along with in real life, a woman I’ve had many fights with, a woman whose kept me up at night with this fantasy.
I try to look away but she catches my eye and motions me towards her. Suddenly, she stops and puts her index finger on her mouth. I look around trying to figure out why she stopped, and that’s when I see another woman coming out of a cubicle, drying herself with a towel. We both stand there in silence waiting for her to get out of the way but before I know it, the object of my fantasy is so close to me that I can feel her body heat radiate into my bones; I’m thinking that she can probably hear my heart beating out of my chest so I try to put my hand over it but, as soon as I raise my hand, she grabs it; she places my palm against her chest sending shivers down my spine, and leads me into a shower cubicle.
She turns on the warm water and kisses me so gently I almost buckle at the knees. I’m excited beyond believe but I’m feeling safe that the sound of the water hitting the ground is masking my moans. Within no time I’m ready to peak but suddenly and abruptly she stops.
She orders me to open my eyes, but I refuse. My mind is scrambling. How can she do this to me? I’m so close, if I open my eyes I might lose my nerve. With my eyes still closed I beg her not to stop, but she’s stronger than me and she doesn’t give in. She makes me look straight into her deep blue eyes and then down towards the floor. I see that her knee is between my thighs, pinning my body against hers. She kisses, she caresses, she licks and she grinds, and just when I think that I’m about to collapse with unrestrained arousal, she grabs the showerhead, does the unimaginable, and finishes m off.”
Now, ladies and gents, I’ve been around long enough to know that if a woman has this sort of fantasy it is not because she’s a closeted lesbian. Her fantasy is probably based on the belief that women know other women’s body’s better than men, and can bring them to orgasm much quicker. It is also an expression of her desire to do something taboo but not totally outrageous, but I too am perplexed with how to handle such a fantasy when the other woman is your sister in-law. I mean, if I were the husband, would I hit the roof, or would I take it as a compliment, thinking that the wife wants to keep it in the family?
Whilst most men like to come across as macho and dominant, Michael*, who is a 23 year old philosophy enthusiast, fantasizes about being completely dominated by a woman.
“I fantasize about being tied to a bed post but it’s not a violent atmosphere because the person I envisage doing this with is someone I trust blindly,” he clarifies.
“I’m shirtless and she’s wearing my shirt. She ties me up with my own necktie, whilst we’re smiling and giggling a way. Then she removes my pants and proceeds to my underwear really slowly. She teases me for what feels like hours; she drags her hair across my chest, places her lips in strategic places, scratches my inner thighs, pulls my hair and, shoves herself on to me forcefully. Then she blindfolds me, gags me with her own underwear, and after hours of foreplay has her absolute way with me.”
Love it or Hate it
Claire* is a woman in her forties; she’s in a long term relationship, economically independent and values equality more than her life, yet, she’s always fantasized about being taken against her will and forced to have sex by a handsome, rugged man.
“I think of him wanting me so much that he can’t control himself. He rips my clothes off and restrains me to the wall while he penetrates me roughly, using me for his own pleasure.”
According to Matthew Bartolo, being forced into sex is a fantasy that’s very common among females. “Some psychologists attribute this to the fact that women tend to feel dirty or guilty after having sex and therefore, being forced to have sex in a sexual fantasy removes the guilt and shame of having a participative role in whatever happened. Having a man lose control is also arousing for a woman as for her it means that he could not control himself in front of her beauty.”
Three is a crowd
Philip* is a soft spoken man in his early 60s. He fantasizes about tying two women up and having rough sex with them.
“Ideally one is a brunette and the other is blonde,” he specifies, “and it all starts with them playing with each other, having some girl on girl fun. After a while I tie both of them up and have them at my mercy. The idea of watching women get release from things that I do to them turns me on big time. I imagine hearing them scream with pleasure and beg for more.”
Matthew Bartolo explains that men are more aroused visually and auditory and that’s why they are more likely to watch pornographic videos as opposed to reading an erotic book.
“Men’s biggest turn on is giving pleasure to their partner,” continues Matthew. “Some say that this is because it satisfies their ego, but it’s also because men tend to be more performance-driven. Whilst a lot of women focus on how they might be looking whilst having sex, for most men, the goal is to get their partner to enjoy it. This is an evolutionary thing as both parties want the other partner to desire them so that they come back for more, hence improving chances of pro-creation.”
According to Matthew the most common fantasies for both men and women are the following:
Getting it on in public, tying their partner up or being tied up, having a threesome, teacher and student role play, having sex with stranger, executing some crazy porn move, having a fling with a celebrity, anal sex, sharing a partner, being watched, being a private dancer and girl on girl.
“Some women are also intellectually turned on by intelligent conversation,” says Matthew, “so they fantasize about meeting a person who gets them mentally; someone who stimulates them cerebrally; someone who need not touch any part of their body to make them experience uncontrollable sexual pleasure.”
All this has led me to one conclusion. Like everything else in life we need to find a balance. Having a fertile imagination that makes us feel good is probably a blessing, but if we misplace our fantasies they can create glass walls between what we have and what we think we want, leading to dissatisfaction.
Fantasies should never take over reality; like chocolate it’s good to have some on the side but to eat a full meal of dark nutty chocolate will make you sick for days.